Reliving
by HedwigBlack
Summary: Theo is depressed, desperate, and in possession of a time turner. He knows he can't change what happened. But maybe reliving his past will help him find closure. Or not... rated for dark themes
1. Chapter 1

This is written for The Hardest Challenge Ever in which I was supposed to write a 10,000 word story in four hours. Not going to happen as it turns out but here was what came of it. This is definitely the hardest challenge ever! Will finish within the next day or so.

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The woman Apparated with a loud crack just inside the boundaries of Hogsmeade. She quickly pulled her black cloak around her and pulled the hood far over her head to shield her face from the pouring rain. Peering into the darkness she made her way done the deserted street toward the dimly lit bar. The sign reading The Hog's Head swung in the wind making a mournful creaking noise. She took a deep breath before opening the door and walking into the smoky atmosphere of the shady bar.

She looked about her until she saw the man in the corner. She knew she shouldn't do this. She knew she should turn and walk away, that nothing good could come from this agreement, that once the package in her cloak pocket left her hands, she would have to live with the consequences.

Because there were always consequences.

But Luna had made a promise and she always kept her promises. She lowered her hood and approached his table in the corner. His eyes were bloodshot and his hair was a mess. She sincerely doubted that he had slept since the last time she had seen him two days ago in Diagon Alley. The scent of Firewhiskey reached her nostrils and she cringed slightly but sat down opposite him.

It wasn't until she did so that he even acknowledged her presence. He looked up and met her eyes only to look back at his empty glass in shame. There was something about her innocence that made him feel ashamed of himself whenever he looked at her. And after a moment of reflection on the last two days he realized that he must look a sight. He felt disgusting, that was for sure.

He sighed and made to speak. She didn't seem to be paying him any attention, choosing to study the dirty glass of the window instead. Maybe she was genuinely fascinated by something, or maybe she was taking pity on him and pretending not to notice his pathetic state. He was grateful and the lump in his throat made it impossible to speak his mind just then.

Thankfully she spoke first. "I brought what you asked me to. But I don't want to give it to you, Theo."

"Then why did you bring it?" He struggled with the bubble of anger that was welling up inside of him. She could be so infuriating. He'd forgotten about that.

"I never said I wouldn't give it to you, Theo," she said, still not looking at him. She twirled a ringlet of golden hair around her finger and rested her chin on her other hand. "I just said I don't want to give it to you. But I made a promise. And I always keep my promises don't I?"

"Are you suggesting I don't?" Theo growled, gripping the edge of the table.

Luna closed her eyes and reached into the pocket of her cloak and pulled out a small purple velvet bag and set it on the table between them but did not let go. She finally turned her head to look him in the eyes once more and he couldn't look away this time. She had a way of demanding his attention without saying a word. It was unsettling but fascinating, and he began to recall what it was about her that still had a death grip on his heart.

"This is the last one," she whispered, releasing her hold on the little velvet package. "I've held onto it for too long, Theo. But I've never used it. I give it to you because I said I would, but please…" he voice cracked for the first time. "Please don't use it."

"Of course I'm going to use it," he said incredulously.

"Do what you want." She got up knowing that it was a lost cause and that there was nothing else she could say to convince him that he was making a mistake. Before leaving the bar she went over to stand before him and took his face in her hands. On closer inspection, she was horrified at the haunted look in his blue eyes and the shadow of a cut along his cheek that he probably got when he was stumbling around drunk like he was in the habit of doing recently. He was broken. She understood now that he wanted to fix things. That's why he had asked her here tonight. But she'd learned long ago that sometimes broken is not so easily fixed, even with a magic wand in hand.

She leaned over and kissed his forehead and whispered into his hair, "Don't look back. It just makes it hurt more." With one last glance over her shoulder she adjusted her cloak around her and prepared to meet the rainy night outside.

Theo considered following her, but knew she would just leave him in the street, not unlike what he had done to her the last time they'd fought. He knew if she did that he would deserve it. He grabbed the velvet bag that was still sitting on the table and put it in his pocket. He went over to the bar for one last drink. The old man simply set the almost empty bottle of whiskey on the counter and held out a hand for Theo to pay. As soon as he pocketed his Galleons the man shoved the bottle into Theo's hand and pointed to the door.

"Go home, son."

Theo nodded and stumbled to the door. He let the cold rain pour down onto his face for a few moments, before Apparating. When he landed he found himself on the Malfoy's porch instead of his own. He supposed he should have sent a message ahead but he knew that he couldn't go home in this state. He didn't want to be alone. Besides this wouldn't be the first time that he'd drunkenly knocked on their door. Apparating had made his insides churn and he leaned over the railing to throw up onto the ground just as the front door opened.

Draco leaned against the door frame, watching him. The usual smirk was absent and in its place was a look of pure disgust. When Theo was done, he straightened up, shaking and dripping from the rain. Draco simply grabbed the bottle of whiskey he was still holding out of his grasp with one hand and pulled him into the house by his collar with the other.

"You're an idiot, Nott." Draco pointed his wand at the man, drying him off and then with another wave he set up the couch for his friend to sleep on. "Sleep here tonight. We'll talk in the morning."

With that Draco left Theo to settle himself on the couch and after a few minutes he was able to ignore the spinning room and fall asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Theo awoke to the shade being pulled and the sun glaring in his eyes. He tried to pull the covers to shield his face but they were pulled out of his grasp. He rolled over to bury his face in the pillow but shock went through his body, all of a sudden and he was forced to sit up.

"Did you just Crucio me?" he yelped and then groaned as the hangover quickly made its presence known. He leaned back against the back of the couch and covered his face with his hands.

"Of course I didn't Crucio you, you halfwit!" Ginny shrieked, causing his head to pound inside his skull. "I just stung you a little bit, which is a lot better than you deserve. I told you, you can't keep coming here at three in the morning, drunk off your ass!"

"I'm sorry!"

"Sure, sure, you're sorry," Ginny grumbled, rubbing her swollen pregnant belly. She only had a few weeks left and he could just imagine how his turning up must be stressing her out. Waves of guilt washed over him, and he felt tears sting his eyes as the pain in his head began to overwhelm him.

"I'm going to work," he heard Ginny say. He then felt a sharp poke in his chest and he found himself at the mercy of an enraged, pregnant woman with her wand pointed at his heart. "Once this baby is born, you really can't do this anymore, Theo. I mean it. Understand?"

Theo nodded.

"UNDERSTAND?"

"Yes, ma'am," he said dutifully. He felt as though he was being scolded by his mother and he couldn't help but think as she disappeared into the fireplace that was full of green flames that she was going to be a great mother to that baby.

It was then that he first noticed Draco sipping his coffee in the armchair off to the side.

"God, I love her," he said with a smirk.

"Yeah, you're really lucky, mate." Theo rested his hands on his knees, slowly attempting to pull himself together so that he could go home. "I truly am sorry. I know it's not a good enough apology and I know I can't keep showing up on your doorstep like that. I'm just stupid when I'm drunk and…"

Draco interrupted him by holding up a small, purple velvet bag.

"Yeah, I know you're sorry. But what the hell are you doing with this, Nott?"

"Nothing."

"Bullshit." Draco pulled open the drawstring and reached into the bag. When his hand came back out there was a gold chain wrapped around his index finger and on the end of that chain was a tiny hourglass. "I thought there were none of these left."

"I guess you were wrong, eh?" Theo said, holding out a hand to take the time turner back, but Draco pulled away.

"I guess I was. And so what are you planning on doing with it? Even I know how stupid it would be to actually use it."

Theo sighed in frustration. Why did everyone think he didn't know what would happen if he used it? He wasn't a child. He knew that time travel is a dangerous and preposterous thing to do. But he needed this time turner. Not for a second chance. But for a last look at those memories he couldn't let go of. He needed to relive them and then leave them in the past where they belonged. Couldn't anyone just leave him alone and let him make this mistake?

"It's no business of yours what I do with it Malfoy, now give it here."

"No business of mine? Are you mad? You show up at my house utterly drunk, bring the only existing time turner in the world and leave it on my coffee table, and piss off my pregnant wife, and you are telling me that none of this is my business? You are not leaving here with this until you tell me what you are planning to do. You owe me that much."

Theo rarely saw Draco get this worked up over anything. He supposed he had no choice. He had to say something at least.

"Listen, mate, I was drunk and stupid… and…I just wanted to see them again."

Draco's brow furrowed in confusion.

"Who are you talking about?"

Theo racked his brain searching for the right words. "Everyone. My parents, Blaise, Luna… when we were happy."

Draco stared at him incredulously. Then he got up and shoved Theo's things into his arms, placed the time turner around his neck and shoved him out the door. "You are more of an idiot than I gave you credit for. Go home, Theo." The door slammed and Theo was left on the Malfoy's porch with the time turner around his neck. He could feel the cool chain against his skin and he shivered at the possibility of what he could do with it. He already knew what he was going to do. He'd planned it long in advance, but now he had the thing in his possession. It was time. He tucked the hourglass into the front of his shirt and spun on his heel. He appeared on his own porch this time and went inside. He dumped his cloak onto the coffee table and went into the bathroom. He took off the time turner and set it on the counter while he let his hangover take over. He sat before the toilet bowl, throwing up, all the while mentally beating himself up over how stupid he had been. And how stupid he was about to be.

He'd made his decision long ago and just like Luna always kept her promises, he always followed through on every stupid stunt he'd ever come up with. But he had to admit as he splashed cold water on his pale face, that going back in time would be the stupidest stunt he could ever pull.

He changed out of his dirty, whiskey stained clothes and put on a fresh shirt and jeans. He then put on a black cloak and placed the time turner around his neck once more. He closed his eyes and pressed the little hourglass to his lips before turning it over. And over. And over…


	3. Chapter 3

Theo found himself just outside his old room. The room he'd grown up in. The room where he first experienced the most profound grief anyone could know at the age of seven.

Seven. He shook his head at the significance of the number. This was the first of seven days, seven moments, and seven loved ones, that he would visit using this little hourglass around his neck. He had them all planned out. He could remember just how many turns that would take him to each place. He'd been waiting for this moment for years. Ever since Luna had let it slip that she had something in her possession that no one else knew about. It was an obsession that had been eating away at his sanity because he knew what he would do after this was all over. But he wasn't ready for that yet. He was now at the scene of a crime.

Perhaps suicide isn't really a crime. But to do it in front of your seven year old son, that should be a crime somehow. But what would the punishment for it be? Death? He'd thought about this idea so many times that the twisted logic of it made sense to him. But now was not the time to muse on the subject. All he wanted was to see her one last time.

Theo pointed his wand at himself and disillusioned his body so that he wouldn't be seen. That was the one thing he had made sure he learned out to do right. He knew he was endangering everyone by pulling this stupid stunt but he had to do it. For himself.

He poked his head into his childhood room. The door was ajar and he was able to slip inside without moving it, or making a noise. The rain was falling gently outside the window and the raindrops on the windows made strange but comforting patterns on the walls. He turned his eyes to the bed in the corner. He saw himself.

He stood frozen hardly able to believe that he was looking at himself as a child. It was the oddest thing that had ever happened to him. He'd been warned that seeing yourself was a strange phenomenon but actually experiencing it was shocking. He tried to use this as an excuse to not look at the other corner where he knew she was sitting in the rocking chair. He heard the familiar creak of the chair as it swayed back and forth and he slowly came to terms with the fact that this is why he was here.

She was ghostly thin. Her blonde hair was long and straggly. She'd been crying.

He had forgotten that she used to sit in his room and cry all the time. He had never really noticed it. But he always remembered the creak of the rocking chair and watching the legs go back and forth. Because most of the time when he was "napping" he was staring wide eyed at the floor. Child-Theo was probably doing that right now though he couldn't tell from where he was standing. Now that he had a good view of his mother's face, he couldn't look away. It was startling to see her expression. It was sad and tired and bitter all at the same time. It was haunted. But most of all, it was the same expression he saw in his own face when he looked in the mirror.

He watched in horror as she got up from the chair and opened the window with shaking hands. He knew what was coming next, and he couldn't believe that he was going to let it happen again, but he was prepared to watch because he couldn't change the past without severely ruining the future. Or at least that's what he had told himself before he started this journey. He watched her as she pulled herself through the window and onto the roof. She was so fragile and beautiful, he thought. Her hair covered her face and her blue dress clung to her body and her bare feet moved with purpose as she came ever closer to the edge of the roof. She did not look down, but instead raised her face to the downpour from heaven. She raised her hands as if to say thank you to some unknown deity and the let the hand holding her wand lower so that the tip was resting against her forehead. He couldn't hear what she said, but he could hear his own screams as the seven year old Theo gripped the window sill as he glimpsed his mother's head hit the side of the roof as she fell.

It was a sick and twisted idea to come back here. But Theo had decided that he would come back to all of these moments. Not first moments that most people cherish. But last moments that most people prefer to forget.

This was the last moment of being in his mother's presence. She was broken, but she'd never been more beautiful.

He quickly moved out of the way as his father's feet could be heard pounding down the hallway. The door to his bedroom slammed against the wall as the gentleman rushed into the room to pull his son away from the window.

Theo had seen what he came here to see. With shaking hands he took the time turner from out of the front of his shirt and began to turn it over as he walked down the stairs and out the front door of his home. With one last turn of the hourglass, his surroundings and this last memory of his mother lying crumpled on the ground disappeared.


	4. Chapter 4

He landed in the front yard. He was aware that the Disillusionment charm had worn off when he had travelled through time. He quickly placed the charm on himself once more and began to run down the busy street, not caring that he was bumping into people as they walked down the sidewalk. All he knew was that he had a limited amount of time to reach the next destination. He turned the corner where he got a view of a park that few people used due to the fact that it might as well be condemned. The swings hung from the top bar of the set at strange angles and steps leading up to the slide were falling apart. Yet a little girl in a yellow dress managed to pull herself to the top of them anyway. Her black hair blew behind her as she pushed herself off from the top of the slide and the boy at the bottom pretended to catch her even though he was too small. They two children then raced each other to the apple tree in the corner of the little park.

Her name was Abigail. She was a Muggle and one of the few friends he had had growing up. It's tough living with a widowed father who didn't like kids very much.

It occurred to Theo that maybe it was because he'd been forced to raise him by himself that his father did not like other kids. Whenever the other men had come over to his house, they'd never brought their kids. But then again, those men did not seem to want the rest of their family to know where they were.

Theo watched his eleven year old self race the little girl back to the swing set. This was the last time he would ever see her and ever since that day that bright yellow dress had haunted him. He should have stood up to his father when he came to drag him away from "that filth!"

But he didn't. He just mouthed meaningless apologies at her as his father grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him along down the street. Theo had wondered what Abigail had done afterward.

Now was his chance to find out. He walked quietly over to a bench that faced the swing set. He sat down and folded his hands, resting his arms on his knees. Abigail looked after little Theo for a long while, still swinging. The truth was that he had been one of her only friends as well. She wasn't well liked at school. She was small for her age and her parents weren't around much. It was something they had in common.

Theo sat there for a long time and he vowed that he wouldn't get up until she left. He wanted to let her walk away from him this time, even if she didn't realize that he was there. She sat there for hours and to his dismay she cried.

He then did something incredibly stupid. He could imagine Luna and Draco and Ginny all glaring at him for even thinking of doing something this stupid. But he got off the bench and walked a few paces behind the little girl before disillusioning himself. He then came back over to where she sat and slowly sunk down onto the swing next to her. Amazingly, it held his weight.

"Hello," she said.

"Hello," he responded, still not believing he was doing this. "My name's Theodore," he continued.

She sniffed and wiped her nose on her sleeve. "I'm Abigail. I used to have a friend named Theodore. I called him Teddy though."

He'd forgotten that. No one else had ever called him Teddy.

"I had a friend named Abigail once too," he said. "But I'm afraid I wasn't a very good friend to her."

"I'm sure she'll forgive you," Abigail said immediately.

"You think so?" He could feel his heart breaking even now.

"Sure! I would if my friend Teddy was as nice as you are, Mister."

Theo shook his head at her words. "You have a lot to learn, kid."

"Everyone tells me that." She got off the swing. "I have to go home now. It was nice meeting you, Theodore."

She ran away. She left him just like he wanted her to. He got up to leave as well but before he turned the hourglass over he watched her yellow dress disappear around the corner and whispered "I'm sorry."


	5. Chapter 5

As soon as the world stopped spinning he looked about him to see if he was alone. No one else was in the park. He and Abigail were probably the only people to ever use it. He shoved the time turner back under his shirt and proceeded to turn on the spot. He appeared in the crowd of King's Cross Station. The station was bustling and people were weaving in and out to reach their destinations. He quickly spotted the entrance to Platform nine and three quarters. He waited for a few children to push through with their carts and their owls. Then he went ahead and leaned against the post.

He saw the familiar scarlet train and heard the sound of Hogwarts students calling to each other. It was his first time going to Hogwarts. It was September first. He looked around searching for the face that he wanted to see. It was not his father dropping him off this morning. He had instead asked his neighbor to take him to King's Cross because he was too busy. Really his father didn't want much to do with him at that point. Ever since he'd found out about Abigail, his father had been very displeased with him. He thought perhaps the fact that he'd be going to Hogwarts soon might make up for the fact that he had been caught conspiring with filthy Muggles. But Theo had very soon found that this was not true.

Thankfully, their neighbor was a Squib and had witnessed the way his father treated him and taking pity on him, had invited him over for tea, or to help her in the garden. She found so many excuses that Theo felt that he was going over to her house every day. His father never complained as it got him out of the house. And so this September first, she had volunteered to take him to the train station and see him off to school, for which Theo had been grateful. Little had he known this would be the last time he saw Miss Grady.

But he knew now, and present day Theo wanted to see that lady's face one more time. It seemed as though every person he'd ever been close to disappeared?

He finally found his former self talking to the older woman before loading his luggage. He recognized his owl sitting atop his trunk. Miss Grady was grasping his hand. He couldn't get close enough to hear what she was saying, but he could watch.

He found himself mesmerized by her smile. He remembered now how contagious it was. She was up in age and her hands always shook. But she was a strong woman, probably one of the strongest he'd ever known next to McGonagall. He stood there in the crowd completely in awe of this woman who took it upon herself to be a mother to him. Or at least, the closest to a mother he would ever have after his own had gone and killed herself.

The woman reached for the boy's face and whispered something in his ear. Theo racked his brain to remember what it was that she had said but found that he couldn't recall. She then kissed his forehead and helped him load his luggage onto the train and waved to him as he poked his head out the window of the Hogwarts Express.

Theo crossed his arms and considered what would have happened if he hadn't gone on the train. What if he'd stayed home with Miss Grady? Would she have mysteriously died later that year from "unknown causes?" He later had learned that "unknown causes" meant magic.

His father apparently felt the same way about Squibs like Miss Grady as he did about filthy Muggles. Once he'd used her to occupy his son and keep him out of his way. But once Theo had gone off to school, his father had no use for her anymore. Theo had gotten this confession out of his father many years later when he came home from Azkaban. Azkaban has a way of making you say things you would never admit before. And one of them was that six months after Theo started Hogwarts, Mr. Nott had killed Miss Grady one night after drinking a little too much.

Theo hated that he knew this but couldn't warn the woman standing right in front of him of her fate. She still had six months to live, he mused. What would she do? Would she live them well? Was she happy?

Theo shook his head at himself. Why was he tormenting himself over these moments? He had been asking himself this question for months and months, but the time turner was around his neck and now that he had it, he was going to go ahead and use it. He was going to go through these memories and make sure that these faces were imprinted in the forefront of his mind so that the last time he used the time turner, he would think of all these people when he fixed the one thing he was able to fix. He couldn't fix the past, he knew. But there was one event that he was going to change that wouldn't matter at all. Everything would happen the way it was supposed to. He would make sure of it.

He watched the older woman make her way back to the entrance to the station. The train had left. His younger self was sitting in a compartment talking to Blaise Zabini and Astoria Greengrass.

These were the next two people to get a visit from him. They just never knew that he was there.


	6. Chapter 6

Theo Apparated into Hogsmeade and found that he was just in time. The battle of Hogwarts had begun. The castle was lit up and there were black figures darting all over the grounds sending bursts of light at each other from their wands. He saw the figure of a giant against the far side of the building peering through a gaping hole in the bricks. Theo watched in horror as the scene played out before him. He tried to remember what hallway his past self was in right now.

He made sure the Disillusionment Charm was in place and ran swiftly toward the great front doors. He had to jump over a few bodies on the ground to reach his destination. He was almost tempted to stop and see who they were. It was a twisted curiosity and it made him sick to think that he could stand the sight of someone who was suffering. But he pushed these thoughts from his mind as he entered the castle and looked about him.

Students were screaming, ghosts were whizzing past with rocks, books, and crystal balls; anything they could use to pelt the Death Eaters with. Theo dodged a book that was flying toward his face and stumbled over the emeralds that had escaped from the hourglass that recorded House Points. He found his way to the staircase and began climbing it two steps at a time. He decided that the last place he remembered being before he had been dragged to the Room of Requirement was the fifth floor. That was where he hoped he'd find himself.

That was where he hoped he would get to see Blaise one more time.

He ducked into a secret passageway behind a worn tapestry and made his way to the other side of the wall where he could peer through the opening at what was going on in the hallway beyond. This hallway actually appeared to be deserted, but he knew it wouldn't be that way for long. He recognized where he was, and that soon this would the scene of another horrible disaster. It was only a matter of minutes.

He leaned back against the cool stone wall. How many times had he hidden here from Filch or a teacher? How many times had this school been a sanctuary rather than a place of horror as it was tonight? The screams in the distance reached his ears and they caused goosebumps to crawl across his skin. It was an unearthly sound that shouldn't be heard within these grounds. It wasn't right. After Dumbledore had died, nothing was right anymore.

He had to be crazy for coming back here. This is the kind of thing that got people killed when they time traveled. But he wasn't particularly worried about getting killed. That had never been a concern for him…

The outer wall of the castle began to crumble as something banged into the side. The whole floor shook from the impact and small stones began to fall from the ceiling. He heard a familiar yell from down the hall. He poked his head out from where he was hiding and saw the distant figure of Blaise being chased from around the corner.

Theo had never found out what Blaise had been thinking, trying to fight with the rest of Dumbledore's Army instead of going through the Room of Requirement with the rest of the Slytherins. One moment Blaise was about to go through the door on the seventh floor that would lead them all to safety, and the next he had shoved Theo out of the way and bolted down to where the fighting was happening. Of course being the great idiot that he was, he'd followed Blaise only to witness something he would never be able to forget. He watched it unfold once again from his hiding place.

His best friend was sprinting down the hallway. There was a gaping hole in the wall which was probably made by a giant or perhaps a very powerful curse. Peeves was bouncing around the ceiling throwing rocks at figures in black robes. One of those figures was Theo's father.

Theo peered through the crack between the tapestry and the wall, trying to discern which figure it was that would soon shatter everything that was good about his life into a million pieces, when something happened that gave it away. He remembered this moment with perfect clarity.

Blaise had pulled his wand out from the pocket of his jeans and raised it to point between one the of the figures' eyes. He watched as the spell was deflected and the man stepped away from the rest of the robed figures. This was Theo's father.

"DAD! NO!"

But it was too late. Past -Theo came running to shield his friend from the fate that he'd brought on himself. But the green jet of light hit Blaise square in the chest causing him to topple over into Theo's arms.

Present -Theo's blood boiled as he watched another loved one die at the hands of his Death Eater father for the second time. He recalled the feeling of Blaise's warm but lifeless body as it fell on top of him. He remembered the blank look in his eyes. He could see it even now from where he was hiding. It was an expression that clearly spoke of death. He had never seen anything like it. He vaguely remembered Professor McGonagall coming across him as she ran after a Death Eater and pulling him away from his best friend's body.

"There's no time to grieve now, Nott," she'd said. "You have to keep moving."

So he had. He'd done everything she told him. He went through the motions. He sent a couple of half hearted disarming spells at some people, but he couldn't distinguish friend from foe at that point. The two concepts had become so entangled that all Theo knew was that he didn't want to be here anymore. Present Theo followed himself as far as he could until they both stopped at the seventh floor where the Room of Requirement was still open. They went through the doorway into the Hog's Head bar and into Hogsmeade.

Theo decided this was the perfect place to end this particular journey. There was nothing else to see. Blaise was no more; only a lifeless body in the fifth floor corridor that would eventually be placed in the Great Hall with all the rest of them.

If only Theo could have revealed himself just this once. He would have asked him why he did it. He would have shaken the boy by the shoulders until he got an answer out of him. But he didn't.

That was always the worst part of the regrets that played in his head over and over. He would go over all of the 'what ifs' and the 'should haves' and they always ended with the same conclusion.

_But he didn't._


	7. Chapter 7

Theo made sure that the charm was in place before he Apparated once more. He found himself outside the Malfoy mansion. White peacocks scattered as his feet hit solid ground within their midst. No one noticed.

It was Draco and Ginny's wedding. He remembered that Draco had insisted that it was better to have it at the mansion than at the Burrow; there was more room. Ginny had conceded but only if Draco did something for her in return. What that thing was, Theo couldn't recall. It was probably something absurd that Draco would find embarrassing which is why Ginny wanted him to do it. She was a conniving bitch. But that was why Draco loved her. Theo could never understand it.

He made his way toward the tent that was constructed out in the garden. Strings of fairy lights were hung around the top of the tent, shedding a dim light on everyone. He weaved his way around the wedding guests drinking and dancing. There was one drinking, dancing couple that he was looking for. He finally found them toward the back of the tent where it wasn't so well lit. He was dancing with Astoria. He could tell from the way she was leaning into him that she was already pretty drunk. He watched himself take the wine glass from her hand and set it on a nearby table.

He then saw Astoria's lips move as she whispered something in his ear. This time he was able to remember perfectly what it was she said. It was something he wished he hadn't heard because what he said in response broke her heart. And this was one of the last time's he'd seen her. And this was the last time he would hold her before she'd lose her mind.

_He held Astoria in his arms ignoring the fact that she wasn't even holding herself up anymore, choosing instead to rest her weight on him. She was fading fast. The wine had taken hold and she was sleepy and drunk. And when she was sleepy and drunk she said a lot of stupid things. _

_He was used to that by now. He never really paid too much attention. For example, at this moment he was watching Luna dancing by herself nearby, admiring the way her hair glowed under the fairy lights, and the way she spotted him looking at her but never bothered to come over._

_Astoria leaned up to whisper in his ear. "Do you remember the day we met, Theo? On the train?"_

_Theo sighed. She was going to bring up things that didn't matter anymore. She was going to bring up Blaise._

"_Yes," he said through gritted teeth._

"_Remember how Blaise hated you for the entire ride until the very end? I forget what changed his mind."_

_Theo cleared his throat. "We argued about everything until we found out that we both supported Puddlemere United."_

"_Oh yeah," Astoria breathed. She pressed her lips to his neck. "That was it."_

_Theo couldn't take this anymore. He couldn't let his best friend make a fool of herself. He couldn't love her back._

"_Stop, Astoria. Just stop."_

_Tears ran down her face but she kept talking, not letting him walk away from her like every other time they'd had this conversation._

"_I miss him Theo. Don't you miss him?" _

"_Of course I do. But that won't change anything. You can't change what already happened. It's too late."_

"_No! No it's not." She gripped his forearms, her nails digging into his skin. "It's not too late for us, sweetie. Ever since that day on the train. I've loved you ever since that day on the train."_

"_No. You're drunk and sad. You never loved me and you know it. It was always Blaise. And it always will be. Who are you trying to fool?"_

_Tears cascaded down her cheeks. He hated to see her cry. But she did a lot of it lately. She was lonely and she didn't want to go home alone. And very often she didn't go home alone. But it was never with Theo and he sometimes thought that maybe he should take her home some nights just to know where she was and who she was with. But he knew he couldn't give her what she wanted. It had always been this way. Even when Blaise was alive and they were friends and everything was good. He'd never been good enough for Astoria. _

"_I just don't want to be alone tonight." She leaned into him again._

_Theo considered, met Luna's eyes from across the room, and made his decision. He pushed Astoria away from him, rather more forcefully than he meant to. She backed into another couple dancing nearby, horrified._

"_I can't," he said. Then he walked away. He skirted around dancing couples, grabbing a fresh beer off the table just inside the door, and rushed past his invisible future self._

Theo watched as the Theo who had just rejected his best friend went to drink himself into a right state. He also saw a barefooted Luna practically skip after him.

But that was not why Theo was there. He would find Luna later. This was the last night he had been friends with Astoria. He never did find out what happened after he left. He'd heard different versions of the story, but he never knew the truth.

He went farther into the tent. He spotted Astoria with a bottle of wine in the corner. Tracey Davis was smoothing her hair back and letting her rest her head on her shoulder. Then Astoria let out a horrific shriek of pain that Theo had only ever heard a few times before when he'd visited his father in Azkaban. It sent chills down his spine and he closed his eyes so he didn't have to watch his best friend writhe in some unknown emotional pain.

"Step aside! I've got her." It was one of Ginny's brothers who had come to help. He picked up the fragile girl in his arms and Disapparated. Theo later found out that she was in St. Mungo's. And when he went to see her there, she wouldn't look at him.


	8. Chapter 8

Theo tucked the time turner back into his shirt and followed behind a group of men into the damp, dark cavern of the prison. Azkaban was a place full of sounds. Screams, shouts, and growls reached his ears as he passed cell after cell. The water outside was raging against the walls due to the approaching storm. He'd thought about using the weather as an excuse to not go see his dad that day, but decided against it. It was the last time he'd ever set foot in this godforsaken place.

Theo hadn't been able to shake the nightmares for weeks after this day. He followed the group that included himself down the narrow stretch of hallway. Every once in a while a hand would reach through the bars. The farther they walked the colder and the darker it became. This was where the higher security cells were. That meant more dementors.

They went through a large door and the gate slammed shut behind them, eerily suggesting that they might not get to leave either. Perhaps they were not just visiting. Theo had never trusted these dementors whenever he'd come to visit his father. It may have had something to do with the thoughts that invaded his mind whenever he stepped through the doors.

Those thoughts always seem to rise to the forefront of his mind. They were memories. They were the memories he'd just relived using the time turner. This was the inspiration behind this little stunt. Just to watch it all play out one more time.

As he followed the group to the very end cell where his father was kept, he let the memories wash over him. His mother's body falling to the ground…Abigail crying as his father dragged him away… Miss Grady waving him off...Blaise dead in his arms…Astoria drunk…

All of them had happened just as he remembered it. The dementors didn't alter his memories at all. The events were just as horrific and gut wrenching as he'd thought.

And as he watched his father spit in his face this last time, Theo found another memory rising to the surface. It was Luna slapping him across the face. He was drunk and he knew he deserved it. That was the last time he'd seen her before that day in Diagon Alley; the day he'd asked her to bring him the time turner.

He shook his head trying to rid himself of the overwhelming disgust he felt bubbling up inside him. Instead he looked ahead as one of the men in the group reached over and pried his father's hand from around his son's neck. Theo reached up to his own neck, recalling the tightened feeling of a fist around his throat. That was the moment Theo knew there was no sense in coming to this place anymore. He wasn't wanted.

He turned to leave but the sound of his father's voice stopped him even though he knew what was coming next.

"Do you know what I see in here? Do you know what these damn creatures do to me, eh?"

Out of the corner of his eye he again saw his father grip the collar of Past-Theo's robes pulling him close to the bars of the cell. They were both kneeling on the slimy, rock that served as a floor.

"Every time one of them comes in here to feed me, to threaten me, to touch me…" His father leaned close to whisper in his ear though everyone in the room could hear what he said. "I see you."

With those last words his father released his hold on Past-Theo's robes and backed away into the corner.

Present-Theo couldn't take this anymore. Before he could travel once more, he needed to get a grip. He turned on the spot and once again he was in Hogsmeade in front of the Shrieking Shack. He sat on a nearby rock and put his head in his hands and took a deep breath. He hadn't thought this moment would affect him so hard. He'd never been overly fond of his father. They didn't have the best relationship and after everything he'd done, Theo had never really resented him. He didn't consider him family anymore. Merlin knew his father hadn't treated him like family.

He sat there for he didn't know how long, taking deep breaths until he could gain composure. He gripped his wand and thought long and hard about the last place he was going to visit. It wasn't going to be the moment he'd recalled in Azkaban when Luna had slapped him. It was going to be a decidedly more happy moment in their history.

A moment they would never have again.


	9. Chapter 9

He didn't have to go far this time. He made his way down the hill from the Shrieking Shack toward Honeydukes. He leaned against the brick wall of the shop waiting for a certain couple to emerge. It wouldn't take long.

From this spot he could see down the lane where Hogwarts castle stood in the distance, repaired after the battle but still, it seemed forlorn. It just wasn't the same. Or maybe he wasn't the same. Either way this place didn't feel like home anymore the way it had when he'd attended school.

The little bell rang as the shop door opened startling him out of his reverie.

Luna grabbed Theo's hand leading him down the very path that led toward the castle. But that was not the final destination. Once they were within the school grounds she changed direction and pulled him toward the Forbidden Forest. He'd only been in there a few times and he remembered that he was rather reluctant to follow her. But despite his reluctance he couldn't resist her. She kept on chattering nonsense that most people found unsettling or just plain weird. He adored it though. It was innocent and sweet and underneath the battiness of everything she said there were a lot of brilliant ideas; the kind of ideas that would make her a genius Unspeakable in the Department of Mysteries. Or that was the goal anyway.

At least she had goals. He had nothing to look forward to. All he'd known at that moment was that he wanted to be near her. That had been enough for a while; for the present.

But this wasn't Theo's present anymore. He wished it was.

They went deeper into the forest than Theo had ever been before. It seemed that Luna knew exactly where she was going though because after about fifteen minutes the trees thinned and the pair found themselves in a little clearing where there was a worn down remnant of a fence. The present Theo quietly made their way behind them trying not to make too much noise.

"What are we doing here?" Theo asked Luna.

"You'll see," she replied dreamily and pulled herself up to sit on the railing of what remaining fence there was. "You have to be very quiet though or they won't come."

Theo raised his eyebrows. "They?" he whispered. "Do you mean the nargles?"

She'd tried on several occasions to explain what nargles were and what they looked like. Present Theo smirked at the thought that at the time, he'd actually believed he was going to see some nargles. That was the effect she had on him though. He wasn't so much gullible as he was hopeful that maybe the world was a lot more beautiful than he realized, but that only a few people like Luna could see it. He watched as Theo reached for the girl's hand and sat beside her on the fence, waiting.

It didn't take long before the things they were waiting for began to appear out of the shadow of the trees. Gleaming red eyes were all that could be seen at first. Then the rest of their bodies started to show themselves. Ugly, skeletal, black bodies.

"Thestrals," he whispered.

"You can see them too, then?" she asked.

He only nodded and squeezed her hand.

"I thought you would," she said. "I can usually tell."

This did not surprise him in the least. He looked on in fascination while she reached for a thestral that had approached them and scratched behind its ears. It flapped its wings in appreciation the way a dog would wag its tail.

He hesitated, but then asked the question he was sure she was wondering about him. "Who did you see…you know…?"

"Die?"

"Yeah."

"My mum." Luna reached into the Honeydukes bag she'd been holding and offered the creature a sweet. "An accident. You?"

"My mum." He held out a hand to another thestral that had come up to them. "Not an accident."

Luna nodded her understanding. They didn't say anything more after that, preferring to enjoy each other's company and mull over this newly discovered thing they had in common. They sat like that for many minutes until the bag of sweets was empty and the light was beginning to fade as the afternoon wore on.

"We should go." Theo put his arm around Luna and walked slowly back to Hogsmeade so that they could Disapparate. Present-Theo followed close behind. Once inside the boundaries of Hogsmeade, he made sure to disappear at the same time as they did so as not to startle them with the cracking sound and give himself away. He succeeded and hid behind a bush near Luna's house while the couple said their goodbyes at her front door.

This was another regret of Theo's. He recalled that after that strange date he could have kicked himself for not saying 'I love you.' He'd wanted to so badly. He meant it, but he chickened out at the last second. He had never gotten up the nerve after that. He and Luna had gone out for six months more, but he'd never told her that he loved her. He came close many times. He'd said other things that implied it and Luna knew what he meant. But for once she'd never come out and bluntly said something about it like he expected her to. Perhaps this was one thing that she wanted him to say himself without any provocation from her. He sat behind the bush fighting an inner battle.

He was right here. He could easily do it. This was his only chance to fix that mistake. It took him an hour after Luna had gone inside and his past self had gone home to finally make a decision; a very stupid decision, but a decision nonetheless.

He straightened up and brushed himself off. He Disillusioned himself and in three purposeful strides was standing at her front door. He knocked loudly, his heart pounding in his chest.

He heard footsteps inside the house and he really should have left. He still had time; she wasn't at the door yet. But his feet were glued to the spot and he knew that his mind was made up and there was nothing for it.

The door opened and there she was. Beautiful, calm, with a dreamy expression that quickly broke out into a smile at the sight of him, then brow furrowed in slight confusion.

"What are you doing here, Theo? Is everything okay?"

He opened his mouth to speak, but there were no words. She rendered him incoherent, and he did the only thing he'd ever wanted to do. He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her, long and hard, because it was the last opportunity he would ever have. He felt her brush away a tear that he hadn't even realized had fallen down his face.

"What..?"

"I love you." There! He'd said it. It was stupid to do it this way. But he had to say it. It wouldn't matter much soon anyway. But he'd finally used the time turner for something useful.

He kissed her once more and then pulled away before she could respond and made to leave.

"Theo, wait!"

But he didn't wait. He spun on his heel and returned to Hogsmeade where he quickly pulled out the time turner and counted the times he turned it on its chain. He moved fast before she could follow him as he knew she surely would. After a final turn he braced himself for his final destination. Home.


	10. Chapter 10

Theo made sure that he beat himself home from Draco's house that morning. He'd given him about an hour's time to contemplate. He hid behind a bush much like he'd done at Luna's waiting for his miserable past self to appear after being kicked out of the Malfoys'. Cold sweat broke out over his forehead at the thought of all the idiotic things that he'd done both in the past and as an observer.

Luna had been right. Looking back only made it hurt more. He leaned against the wall of the house and resisted the urge to beat his head against it. She was always right. It was maddening the way she was always right.

He missed her. He needed someone to be right, because he couldn't trust himself. Perhaps that was what had killed everything they'd had. He loved her, but he needed her more. She didn't like to be needed very much. No. He shook his head. She didn't like to be _used_.

He wondered if he'd changed anything by kissing Luna. He wondered if he was still coming home from Draco's with a hangover right now or if he was out with Luna, because by some miracle that one 'I love you' had changed everything. He decided that if it had, it could only change things for the better and he wouldn't worry over it.

But he soon found that he was wrong. He heard a loud crack and he peered through the leaves of the bush to see himself brush himself off and go up the stairs to his house.

He was amazed at the change that had come over this Theo compared to all the other ones he'd seen that day. His hair was all over the place, his eyes were red and haunted looking, and he had clearly lost a lot of weight. The stained clothes hung off his thin frame and he looked weak.

He looked down at himself and though cleaner, he realized just how thin he'd become, how the lack of sleep and food and taken its toll.

He felt tears form behind his eyes. That 'I love you' hadn't meant a thing. And that one small fact justified everything he was about to do.

He waited a few moments before opening the front door so that he could give himself time to make it to the bathroom. He didn't think he could go through with this if he rushed. He would be patient. He would measure his time the way he'd calculated the turns of the time turner. At this thought he took the chain with the little hourglass from around his neck and gripped it in his fist. His wand was shaking in the other. This is the moment that all the others were leading up to. This was the reason for all of it.

It was so strange, approaching himself. There were two of him. Existing at the same time. It was the most bizarre thing he'd ever seen. He'd been watching himself all day, but this time it was his present self. Or it was about to be in a few minutes.

The Theo in the bathroom was still wretching into the toilet. He decided it would be best to wait until he was finished. It was only polite.

He heard the water running in the sink. Only a few seconds now and he would see himself. What would he do?

The hand with his wand in it was shaking harder than ever. He tried to take deep breaths and calm himself and estimated the time it would take for the Theo in the bathroom to come out. He began to count.

_Ten…nine…eight…_

He could do this.

_seven…six…five…_

This was the plan all along.

_four….three…_

Here he comes…

_two…one_

Bloodshot eyes met bloodshot eyes. They both stood a moment transfixed.

Then Past-Theo raised his hands palms outward in submission. He nodded toward the wand in his still shaking hand.

"Go ahead," he said. "Do it."

So he did.

Theo slowly raised his wand. It felt so heavy, like it was made of lead.

The tears streamed down both of their faces. They were tears of sadness, but mostly they were tears of sweet relief.

"I'm sorry," Theo said.

The man across from him shook his head. "Don't be."

That was all the permission Theo needed. He closed his eyes and focused on the moments he'd just relived; the moments that brought him here, looking at the pathetic, broken Theodore Nott standing in front of him. And with a last burst of energy, he aimed his wand purposefully at him and screamed.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"


	11. Chapter 11

It was Draco who found him the next day.

The man surveyed that scene in horror as Aurors began examining the body. Suddenly he noticed something shining on the floor. Recognizing the piece of jewelry he quickly picked up the time turner off the ground before any of the Aurors could notice it.

He would keep Theo's secret. It wasn't hard to piece together what probably happened after Theo had left his house. He wouldn't tell a soul though except for Ginny. He couldn't keep this from her.

He looked sadly down at the staring eyes of his friend. He wanted to be sick. He wanted to scream. He wanted to use the little hourglass on the chain to go back and change what he did. He wouldn't have thrown Theo out. He wouldn't have yelled at him. And he would have tried harder to hide from Ginny the fact that his friend had come over drunk at three in the morning.

He knew he couldn't though. He couldn't change Theo's mind about this. It was inevitable. There was no sense in avoiding it.

He pocketed the chain and nodded in farewell to the Auror taking notes on a clipboard. He walked out the door and turned on his heel so that he could go home and break the news to Ginny.

* * *

Not many people showed up to the funeral. But Luna was there, stony-faced and silent. She stood apart from the rest of the crowd. Draco made a move as if he was going to go over and comfort her, but Ginny put a restraining hand on his arm.

"Trust me. She wants to be left alone."

The service was quiet. Not many words were said. It was fitting somehow since Theo had never really said much either.

When it was over, Draco and Ginny remained behind. Ginny buried her face in her husband's shoulder, finally letting go of the sobs she'd been holding in the entire service. Draco whispered what he hoped were comforting words in her ear and stroked her hair. It was all he could do. He wasn't all that well acquainted with grief. He still didn't know the appropriate response.

It occurred to him later that there is no appropriate response to something like this. One can only try their best.

Ginny wiped her eyes with a handkerchief and pulled away. She was ready to go.

"Are you coming, dear?" she asked.

Draco leaned down and kissed her forehead. "No. There's something I need to do first. You go on ahead. Make yourself some tea. You need it."

She disappeared with a crack and he was left alone with a fresh mound of dirt over his friend's grave. He went down on his knees and dug into the pocket of his robes. He finally fished the time turner out of their depths and held it before his eyes. It was amazing how destructive this little thing could be.

He dangled it before his eyes for a moment before resting it on top of Theo's grave. He pulled out his wand and pressed it to the glass of the hourglass and muttered a spell. He heard the sound of glass breaking and he looked down to see the sand had spilled out to mix with the dirt. He took a fistful of soil and covered the remains of the time turner completely. _Good riddance_, he thought.

He then got up and walked away and he never looked back. He had learned a long time ago that looking back only made it hurt more.

_Fin_


End file.
